My Mouse – A Turn for the Better but Bruce MacBain Ignored

Wednesday 17th February 2010

That mouse! You know, the one that nearly brought down my dinner on Saturday and threatened to chew up my entire home – well, there have been developments.

Yesterday, at lunch, Val wasn’t best pleased. ‘I’m eating here!’ he boomed when informed of the mouse. Val is very grand, and almost exactly forty-eight times more so when in heroic engagement with the bottle.

There was nothing for it. I telephoned Bruce MacBain, my architect.  What else could I do? What would you have done? It turned out a wise move. Yes, indeed, there have been advances in trap design. ‘A humane trap,’ (imagine the wholesome Scottish accent), ‘you must have a humane trap.’

I thought about a humane trap, I really did. It would mean more shopping and this week I’ve already spent £215 on a new tax disc for my machina, £100 for its new battery and £95 on my Greenflag subscription.

Hell, and so dreary. That’s called going backwards financially. Next week I retrench totally to the Gay Mother’s. Except she wants a camera for her 86th birthday.

In the meantime I manoeuvred my inhumane trap, with its enticing morsel of best Mesan, into a new position in the cupboard under the stairs. With little hope of results, I must say. It’s been weeks of fruitless trapping, as I mentioned before. Yesterday I carried out a few half-hearted inspections. Nothing. But this morning, I regret to inform you, the trap was on its side and the small brown fur ball within, quite crushed.

In fact, it is still there. I haven’t had the nerve to untangle it and pitch it into the dustbin.

To such tasks are even great gays called.

Speaking of which, I am often asked: ‘What do your world-famous friends talk about in private?’ (There is a connection. Do be patient). They mean Reggie Cresswell, the Ghanaian ceramicist, Harry Rollo, the performance artist and impresario, Ariel, the water sculptor, the authors, Robert Nevil and Rufus Pitman, not to mention….

At dinner the other day with Reggie Cresswell we picked over the immense difficulties of changing the bulbs in some of the more expensive light-fittings that Bruce MacBain (he is architect to us all) has made us have.

Does that give you an idea?

If you haven’t got famous friends, do get some soon.

Now, I’m just off to a reunion dinner with Ralph Kitto. I’ve been rather bitter towards him for about 12 years. Then I decided not to be. He’s invited me to the Cap for his birthday in June.

Do you know it?  Do you know the Cap?

His Damien Hirst fell off the wall and nearly killed his mother. It’s an extraordinary thing. Looks like one of those plain white cupboards in a pharmacist’s back premises.

But it isn’t. It’s a Damien Hirst.

My Mouse - When Alive

My Mouse - When Alive

Posted Wednesday, February 17, 2010 under Adrian Edge day by day.

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7 comments

  1. Robert Nevil says:

    Horrified by wanton slaughter of Hunca Munca. What happened to Bruce’s humane advice? If you do not dispose of sad little corpse then friends and relatives may see it and send reinforcements to your wardrobes to chew through your designer frockage and serve you right.
    What, pray, is Greenflag?

  2. My main worry is that Silvia, my Polish cleaner, will find dead mouse and have hysterics. The only English she knows is ‘What is happening?’ which she gives with elaborate histrionic flourish accompanied by running down stairs.

    But I am concerned that the other mice will take revenge. I had not thought of that.

    Greenflag is a cheaper version of the AA. It is a breakdown service for official cars when they break down.

  3. Laura Malcolm says:

    don’t even think of untangling mouse from trap.You must throw both away and hang the expense. Buy more traps – the mouse wll have friends. Nutella the best bait. You are right to ignore Bruce McBain on the subject of humane traps (though he is usually right about everything.) What is the point in releasing the mouse in the garden only to have him scurrying back in?

  4. I did manage to get the mouse out of the trap but the thing is – I’m not sure it was the right one. Looked different from the dinner party intruder.

  5. Bruce MacBain says:

    I must have been having a Robbie Burns moment – I agree with Laura… exterminate the beasties!

  6. admin says:

    I’ve got the trap set again. Brace yourselves for more mouse horror. Except that twice it sprang while I was trying to place it, nearly snapping my fingers off and projecting the pieces of cheese into the ether, where the mouse will probably find them and so not require the one in the device. I’m glad your advice has changed.

  7. Laura Malcolm says:

    I can out-mouse you. On returning from France on Friday I found HALF A MOUSE on the staircase. The top half, I assume, eaten by the cat.

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