Otherwise in Crete

Sunday 15th October 2017

We had the moonlit beach barbecue and it was magical. Even Charlie Hurling stopped sending surprise film clips of fornicating trees and a mystery penis that sprang from nowhere and whacked some American 1950s cherry-pie jivers to the ground. Merle Barr was concerned. ‘He spends a lot of time looking at pornography,’ she remarked. Merle was i/c the kitty. But on the beach, the kitty melted away in the moonlight. I was wondering how much it would cost not to be in the kitty. Merle’s head for figures was alarming. Once she commanded millions, as Head of Children’s Speaking. ‘I know money,’ she said. She had to fight in her corner. With male gays at her night and day, making lewd remarks at every opportunity. Even a ordinary bush beside the road provoked a lewd remark.  It wouldn’t have gone down well on TV. There’d have been complaints but Charlie Hurling can’t help it.

Walnuts were Angus Willis’s main theme for the Cretan food this time. Walnuts were huge. Chopped into the yoghurt dip for the barbecued aubergine whip, for instance. A close second was octopus, of which Angus is the world leader in cooking. Freeze, then boil then barbecue. Nobody else knows this. Third was rabbit. Fourth was Beans Gigante: no not butterbeans. Incredibly rare and local. The grilling and detail on the beach was a marvel – not least as there’s absolutely nothing in the Cretan shops.

Another day, Charlie Hurling said he only wanted to go to the place on the cover of the guide book Merle had. But he didn’t come to Arani, where Merle pointed out a prospect of two apses at the back of a church – very simple, off-white, absolutely no ornamentation. Just like the picture on the cover of the guide book although not exactly, but near enough. ‘He’d never have known,’ Merle said.  Then Charlie left early for London, saying the rabbit was off, and his beloved Cloudless had been writhing all night and back and forth to the facilities. Later from London he lobbed more penis pictures while enquiring after the wedding equipment of Fern’s husband. Luckily she was once a nurse and has seen everything.

After the barbecue, Angus’s dog bowl or possibly a vintage metal container for chicken feed, missing its handle – anyway it went missing. Had been brought specially from London for styling, Angus was raging round the other Cretan village houses, when word came from his own Cretan village house that it had been found. So that was a mercy. I showed Cloudless Brahms the arrangements in my bedroom, especially the curious half-doors of the wardrobe that made the clothes look like horses stabled. Also the socket mounted out of reach half way up the wall. I knew he’s be interested being in the style world.  In the middle of the night, The Archers theme tune followed by an actual epi of The Archers blared from Charlie and Cloudless’s bedroom. Their feet could be seen through the unclosed door. But no sign of bed socks to match the matching iPhone cover, hat and sponge bag with which Archie was equipped in the daytime. We lunched on the last day at the Fontini Restaurant hard by the sea. Upon arrival I found that I had no clothes for lunch. No trousers, no top, just beach wraps and towels. Miss Miracle kindly lent me a cardy. It became apparent from the stiffness of the button holes that she’d never done it up. ‘I see now the advantage of clothes being unmarked,’ she said, for the first time from the outside, as it were, being able to view the full extent of how her cardy was marked. She was kind enough to add: ‘And how you are never marked.’ I was pleased. Because, as we know, I am afflicted by marks most terribly. I’ve got two at the moment in fact.

Later, as we lounged on the beach in the tragic, thrilling last rays of summer sun before London and the winter, Merle confined that she’d had a dream. Dinner guests were arriving but there was a hippo in her garden. The guests peered out and discovered further wildlife such as not normally found in Islington – lions, tigers etc. ‘It’s rather hazardous in your garden,’ they said, making light of it. But Merle was in a bind trying to think of how to get rid of the hippo. It could crash through the wall and straight into her dinner party. I suppose this was a hostess-anxiety dream. Even so, it would be frightful to find dangerous animals unaccountably on the premises just as one was about to begin service, especially hippos which crash through walls and are really horrid.

Once the kitty was settled up – I owed €97.42 – we all returned to London by air.

Beach Barbecue: the Actual Barbecue

Beach Barbecue: the Actual Barbecue

Beach Barbecue: Peppers to be Barbecued

Beach Barbecue: Peppers to be Barbecued

Octopus in Final Stages of Barbecue

Octopus in Final Stages of Barbecue

Beach Barbecue: Pre-Styling

Beach Barbecue: Pre-Styling

Angus Willis's Dog Bowl that was Lost then Found. That which Was Lost was Found

Angus Willis’s Dog Bowl that was Lost then Found. That which Was Lost was Found

Moonlit Beach Barbecue's Magic

Moonlit Beach Barbecue’s Magic

Charlie Hurling: Matching iPhone cover from Wallpaper at the Beverley Wilshire Hotel Los Angeles

Charlie Hurling: Matching iPhone cover from Wallpaper at the Beverley Wilshire Hotel Los Angeles

Charlie Hurling: Matching Sponge Bag

Charlie Hurling: Matching Sponge Bag

Charlie Hurling: Hat to Match iPhone cover and sponge bag. Taken from Wallpaper at the Beverley Wilshire Hotel Los Angeles

Charlie Hurling: Hat to Match iPhone cover and sponge bag. Taken from Wallpaper at the Beverley Wilshire Hotel Los Angeles

Typical Charlie Hurling whatsApp photo shocker

Typical Charlie Hurling whatsApp photo shocker

Curious Stabling for Frockage in my Room at the Cretan Village House

Curious Stabling for Frockage in my Room at the Cretan Village House

Socket Half Way up Wall Required Upending of Vase which had Formerly Held Those Lovely Flowers

Socket Half Way up Wall Required Upending of Vase which had Formerly Held Those Lovely Flowers

 

 

Posted Monday, October 16, 2017 under Adrian Edge day by day.

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