A Laird-Cooked Gourmet Dinner at Brookside

Thursday 30th October 2014

The Laird’s other great interest, apart from weed-killer and solar panels, is gourmet cooking. So while Laura Malcolm, Matt Driver and myself were climbing up that mountain, he was immersed in detail to a remarkable degree in the kitchen. The new features are a smoke-machine (great concern as to the covers keeping the smoke in over the dish: should they be monogrammed or is a full Coat of Arms required?), a device, frankly recalling the equipment brandished by Maggie Smith in A Private Function when she said, ‘I think sexual intercourse is in order,’ for making spagetti out of white chocolate, and another chemistry-set type contraption, not dissimilar to those trays of pipettes where they keep diseases or embryos in laboratories. I can’t quite recall what it was for as yet, but I’m sure it will come back to me.

Three amuse bouche were offered, with prosecco. The Laird doesn’t touch a drop but nevertheless expertly selects the wines for the courses  – another bizarre talent, as a blind person might have a great feeling for colour. Have you ever had a clear tomato jelly? Can you imagine the straining and purifying that would go into making it? This was one of the amuse – absolute heaven, the flavour the Platonic ideal of tomato. Laura was wild for the coconut-marinaded herring which was reconstructed by the Laird from a visit to Iceland. One of the guests was a man whom the Lairdess and Laura had married as schoolgirls, by means of hoola hoops. I think it was quite an abusive situation. Now he is often in the jungle with David Attenborough but still graciously gave his two wives a box of chocs each. We moved into the dining room for the main event. Of the other guests, one favoured Abergavenny as having many women’s groups but she admitted to having hung around Waitrose in the hope of running into the Laird  and thereby securing an invitation to a gourmet experience.

It’s come back to me now: the bacteria-pipette thing was for making the honey caviar to go with the goat’s cheese. That was the 1st course. Then came the ‘Smoking Haddock’ – an exquisite haddock in cream sauce with smoke. Well, look, I can’t go through all the courses. We’d be here all day. But when was such a dinner ever offered in a private home before? There must have been a total of 50 or more different preparations and procedures undertaken. The white chocolate spagetti in ‘tomato’ sauce was in fact a pre-dessert – one wriggly spoon of total innovation and complete newness. After Laura had had a few (wines, I mean) there was a danger that she was going to attack the Abergavenny-women’s groups woman over the Welsh language. I’m afraid the Welsh language, however hard we try, along with other languages that sound like someone slapping wet washing on a rock, bring out the worst in many a Poor Little Rich Gay. Also the pineapple main dessert was a worry because Laura had withered it in advance from the menu ”I don’t like pineapple,’ she’d scowled. Her mortars could be seen on manoeuvres behind the line. But mercifully, in the event, she rated it a triumph along with all the rest.

By the way, I should mention before you go round the bend: The Laird didn’t just boil cabbage for the main. He dissolved 5ml of agar to 100ml water, in which his steamed cabbage was then tossed so that it would hold its shape when removed from the individual moulds.

The Laird’s Menu: Even the Menu Card is Specially Created with Specific Software and Correct Card. Worry About Listing the Wines if a Wine Were to be Repeated Even Though The Laird Wasn’t Repeating a Wine

The Amuse Bouche, the Keynote Signature Tomato Jelly: I Forgot to Mention the Basil Foam, About Which the Lairdess was Quite Rude as to Appearance

The Smoking Haddock, with Smoke Cover

The Lamb Meat Main: Note the Cabbage Moulds: Be Assured that that Little Blob Would be Styled Out Before Service

Butter Styled with Volcanic Ash

The Spag al Pomadoro – Or White Choc Spag with Sauce au Frais. A Pre-Dessert

The Laird in Person with His Chocolate-Spagetti-Making Device


Posted Friday, October 31, 2014 under Adrian Edge day by day.

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