Brookside Was My Weekend Address

Tuesday 28th October 2014

Yes, I weekended in Brookside but it wasn’t what it seemed. I refer to the Close of that name in the TV soap opera which Twirly Godfrey used to say was as good as Shakespeare. This is where the Laird and Lairdess live, but their Brookside is in Usk, which is a town in Wales. They’ve cut back on the home in order to release funds for luxury travel, which occurs frequently. The Laird was known to Laura Malcolm in girlhood – his money comes from cigarette machines in the toilets of pubs in the 60s. Laura and the Lairdess were at school together. The Laird always has a crab salad before boarding any transport, except a bus, or his own Toureng, usually in the Silver Club lounge. He is interested in weed-killer as well as solar panels. With the Lairdess he was entwined in youth but they failed to marry and instead married others. Then they were reunited through Friends Reunited. The Lairdess flew to Scotland, where the Laird was truly a Laird at the time. He hid behind a pillar at Edinburgh airport in order to observe without being observed whether she was in adequate nick after many years. Fortunately she was. The Laird showed us his toilet paper cupboard at Brookside, stacked brickwork-style for extra stability. The Lairdess refers to herself as the Laird’s third and current wife and also mentions frequently a considerable asset of his person which is not on general view.

On the Saturday Laura Malcolm and Matt announced that we were to climb a mountain. I almost didn’t go. We motored to a dismal car park and there were appalling scenes of them putting on walking boots. I almost committed on the spot. There was nothing for it but to continue. ‘It’ll be five hours,’ Laura announced. We went all round the bottom of the mountain, then through a wood and down a ravine before beginning the ascent of the Sugar Loaf mountain from the lowest possible point. I was actually wearing an all-Zara outfit with a Prada ski-wear zip-up top. It bore up very well to the strain but even so, gradually I was becoming outdoors in mentality, quite an expert on bracken. Laura looked Islamic with much black head-covering. Of course it was thrilling to reach the top despite a terrific breeze up there and frightful other people and nearly dying in the final stages of the climb. What an achievement and what views! I won’t mention the effect of one of the women there in all-weather tights it would seem. Laura knew the name for the unfortunate effect caused by the tights. We descended rapidly, with only mild lashing and snarling between Matt and Laura as to exactly where the Bronze Age ditch was, and resumed at once our life of luxury.

Meanwhile, back at Brookside, the Laird was busy in the kitc. You won’t believe the upshot…

Horrific Scenes: Walking Boots are Put on for the Ascent of Sugar Loaf at Abergavenny

The Ascent Before Us

The Sugar Loaf Comes in View: We Went All that Way


Posted Tuesday, October 28, 2014 under Adrian Edge day by day.

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  1. Robert Nevil says:

    Most impressed: very George Mallory.
    It reminded me of the Ascent of the Malverns made many years ago by Anthony Mottram and myself – so long ago, indeed, that I seem to remember we wore shorts rather than Prada, but then it took place in the summer months. Chiefly undertaken so that we could look fondly down from the summit on our respective prep-schools nestling at the foot of said hills. Actually, Mottram’s had been demolished – though not by himself.

  2. Adrian Edge says:

    I think that was the 1st Prep of Anthony Mottram. His second prep continues, to this day as far as we know, in the fashion in which it set out. In the rich web of Poor Little Rich Gay life, two generations of the Poor Little Rich Gays were hurt there into Poor Little Rich Gay life: Anthony Mottram and Marcus Cargill, England’s leading clock mender in the 1st, then Ned Boule in the 2nd.

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