The Laird’s Equipment

Wednesday 24th August 2022

Despite the advancing years, functions did take place in Normandy this year. In fact one of the greatest manifestations of the Poor Little Rich Gays in all of time occurred in the Drawing Room there. The Laird’s equipment is fantastic and vast. But it’s what he does with it that makes all the difference. You would not believe the range and the detail. Everything has been thought of in advance.

The luncheon party was for Beamish O’Halloran’s 70th Birthday. It was decided that the Laird’s performance would take place beforehand for fear that the guests would be too exhausted otherwise. So, in rows we were arranged before the full display. The Laird had chosen a theme of local interest. He said there was 3 penises in the Bayeaux Tapestry which is of enormous length but narrow girth. It’s not a tapestry but an embroidery. Who made it and why and where? King Harold was not penetrated through the eye with an arrow. That was added in later. Stitch marks suggesting a sword have been found. How the Laird performed and manipulated his equipment! The screen, the moving parts, the sound effects, the endless visual pleasure but greatest of all were the surprises. Suddenly a photo of Omelette Arnold Bennet … what had that got to do with the Bayeaux Tapestry? It was worked in somehow, I can assure you. But that was only a pale shadow of what was to come, one of the greatest glaring irrelevancies of all time, but carefully stitched in, somehow connected to the topic in hand. Yes, the Laird sang the Pea Song, the one about Grandad grading the peas on his pea farm. I thought it was familiar. Then I remembered it featured in the Laird’s last talk, possibly about the D-Day landings. So now it is clear.. the Pea Song is to be included, whatever the supposed subject.

This is so right and absolutely how things should be.

I should explain about the Pea Song. It appears to be a simple ditty about grading the peas A, B, C and D on a pea farm with a banjo twanging – all very folksy and countryified. Until the chorus, when it goes ‘So you get the A-ess of the peas, you get the P-ness of the peas.’ It’s a double entendre, you see. Rude. So end of the pier. It appears to be saying, ‘Anus’ and ‘Penis’. Do you get it? Those are rude words. Actually the song goes, ‘A-ness’ and ‘P-ness’ but everybody thinks it’s ‘Anus’ and ‘Penis’ So they roar.

The great thing is you can sing the song on television because really it’s only saying ‘A-ness’ and ‘P-ness’.

I should mention that from his equipment the Laird gave me a device that allows me to charge my phone in my Official Car which lacks its own USB port (as I believe they are called). This has transformed my life.

No more low battery car journey worry agony.

The Laird's Equipment

The Laird’s Equipment


Posted Wednesday, August 24, 2022 under Adrian Edge day by day.

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