Normandy Insisted Upon

Monday 24th August 2020

The unspeakable wrong of the knife hanging over Normandy and my own failure. But we managed Normandy. Up to a point.

The heat was the most tremendous ever known there. I became really nothing more than a series of outfits consuming the superb food. The Lairdess was incredibly sexual, like a living fabliaux tale of Chaucer. I only showed my layette when unpacking in a rare upstairs moment because I’d managed to get new underpants despite everything. ‘I hope we’ll be seeing you in those,’ the Lairdess growled. Later I was up a tree picking plums. ‘Nice plums,’ she remarked. No man would have a hope.

The Laird’s wild boar pate surpassed all previous years with an excellent tang of juniper. He explained how the men of St Kilda evolved bigger feet. The women were only hot for men who could climb cliffs because of so many cliffs on St Kilda needing to be climbed so big feet got bred in. But there must have been some weedy women who had to make do with the left-over small-footed men. Anyway, gradually there got to be more and more men with massive feet who could prance up and down those cliffs and give a really lusty show. So everybody was happy.

There was a lunch and a quiz. The Laird’s talk on the Bayeaux Tapestry was postponed owing to Covid-19 (what’s that? Have you heard of it?). We were disappointed because Moira MacMatron and I were looking forward to re-making the entire Bayeaux Tapestry while listening to it. The Laird has been working on his talk on the Bayeaux Tapestry for some years. The talk was to have been after the lunch and some of the guests said beforehand they’d come especially from England for it. But subsequently they said they didn’t like talks or the Bayeaux Tapestry very much. That’s the topsy turvy world of the English in Normandy for you. You may remember how last year Lamprey Matheson gave the guide the slip and got into the bath of the SS general in the villa at Deauville.

How could anyone not like the Bayeaux Tapestry? What’s not to like? It’s so historic and old. And there’s always that feeling you could do it yourself if you really wanted to – a bit like Van Gogh – which is very reassuring.

Laura Malcolm did a sea-food bake with chorizo. Excellent. Recipe from her daughter Ivy and her incredibly useful boyfriend. They are also athletes who do exercises every day. At what stage do one’s offspring start giving you recipes? I feel it’s a sign. It’ll be the Complan mug next.

I had to leave Normandy in a hurry owing to my nerves. My nerves wouldn’t have stood disobeying the quarantine order despite encountering only one French person who was behind a perspex screen in the mart the entire time here. The gazole station wasn’t even woman-ed. Nobody has ever left Normandy before their time before except when Moira MacMatron sang her Miss Pineapple song which was incredibly pert and menacing and then left Normandy because her sister while vacuuming had fallen off a mezzanine in Spain and broken her back.

She’s all right now.

A cow got into the orchard. We couldn’t think how after Matt had put up such a barricade made out of the table-tennis table on its end. We were in our night-clothes trying to get it out in the early morning. Its mother was on the other side of the hedge, lowing. ‘It’s so thick,’ Matt and Laura kept saying, as the beast rushed about, slobbering horribly, failing to pass through the now open section where Matt had undone his labours with the table-tennis table. We were worried it had overdosed on plums and apples and was going to get some fatal cow autumn-produce overdose condition. The bastard French farmer wouldn’t come. At last it plunged through the hedge in the least likely place and freed itself. Whether death followed, I never heard, but I shouldn’t think so. It probably had a bad tummy and the others cows were not impressed.

The Laird's Cold Box containing Wild Boar Pate for 40 People

The Laird’s Cold Box containing Wild Boar Pate for 40 People

My Blaniks - given by Cousin Barley in Fact from When she Worked there

My Blaniks – given by Cousin Barley in Fact from When she Worked there. New Topman Old Rose Slacks

Poor Thick Norman Cow - at Least Spared Knowledge of the Pandemic

Poor Thick Norman Cow – at Least Spared Knowledge of the Pandemic

A Nice Norman Butterfly

A Nice Norman Butterfly



Posted Monday, August 24, 2020 under Adrian Edge day by day.

One comment so far

  1. Jersey Tiger Moth! Complements your gorgeous shoeage.

    Divine nature!

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